the book of Dreams : 
nowhere is Forever
Edo in the Twelfth Century, the seat of Imperial Japan. A land of Honor and Bravery, of civil unrest and the sleep of peace found with the Sword. It was a beautiful day, with the Shogun's Court all arrayed. The Day of Reckoning had arrived for me. I am attired in the finest ceremonial jacket of the most ornate patterns and hues. The lengthy queue of hair at the back of my head which indicates my high station is moved away to bare my neck for the bite of steel. The sun glares its arrogance into my misted eyes. 
My mouth is set in a straight line, betraying no emotion.

"A last word before everything is lost", the Shogun whom I have faithfully served all my years extends his arm towards the golden haired maiden whom I have purportedly wronged. I take one last look at you, 
you whom I have shared everything with all our lives. And there was no ending the torrent of tears from your eyes.

"I am all that there is, and I am nowhere ". To the last you held onto your Pride.

All the court awaited the finality. It was such a beautiful day. 
The execution proceeded with all the grace of a command performance.

Just before the blade bit, these lips formed my final affirmation,
"Nowhere is Forever".
It must've been especially horrible, since the women of my house rushed within the next moment wake me. 
Only a second before, I shook, and a terrible cry for help. It was so early, I've had very little sleep.

But a dream is just a dream. I get up, pace the floors for hours, sitting morosely, sipping cold water. 
I couldn't bring myself to reach out to her whom I have wronged.

Guilt will make it so that there is no comfort to be found.
Even the Buddha and all these books won't make a difference 
until I speak to her again under better circumstances.

My mind is in turmoil.
It is not cold, yet my body shakes. 
Is my heart in the right place?

I need to get it all out of me.
 

00 March 3
(c) copyright owned by Siddharta Somar
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